I was raised by Christian missionaries in an absolutely bizarre mix of global multiculturalism and Christian fundamentalism, and I've spent nearly my entire adult life coming to terms with the fact that I'm culturally homeless. I very rarely meet people who can relate to my upbringing, and this article really articulates the alienation and joy that comes from being a third culture kid. Thanks so much for sharing.
This comment means a lot to me, Stephen. Thank you. One of the reasons I started Born Without Borders is to create a community for those of us who share these feelings. I find it incredible how people who have such different upbringings (like you and I) have much in common by sharing the third-culture kid experience. I look forward to reading your work and keeping in touch.
I’ve made my home as a cultural outsider. I’m at home in not being at home. I think I will always be weird due to a combination of temperament and upbringing, and I think I’ve just accepted that.
You have no idea how many layers this can have. I am a Hungarian immigrant in Canada, but what does that mean? My Slovene maternal grandfather learned Hungarian from my half Slovak grandmother. My German great-great grandfather came to Hungary for work. His name was Höhn. It was my grandfather who changed it to Hun (which sounds more HUNgarian). Höhn is German for hen.
So here I am, the German-Slovene-Slovak-Hungarian chicken pretending to be the into-your-face tough Hun in the land of the polite and reserved Canadians.
....but I could never move back. I would be way too Canadian for Hungary.
This is wonderful. I'm a second (third?!? By some definitions) gen immigrant in Britain and was never quite British enough. I just got citizenship and a passport to the OG country but I've never lived there nor do I speak the language. So much of what I do comes from a sense of rootlessness and placelessness. It's such a fascinating grey area.
I really enjoyed reading this post! It really hit close to home for me because I’ve experienced a similar type of belonging uncertainty, but as a result of moving countries and then moving back home. It left me with a don’t-fit-in-either-place feeling.
Thank you, Priya! That feeling was one of the driving forces behind my Born Without Borders project. I'm trying to create a community for those who feel "inescapably foreign" through stories and articles. Also, I just subscribed to Ten Thousand Journeys. I'm looking forward to reading more!
Interesting that you say this Priya, there’s actually a few BTMU guest posts in the pipeline that explore this feeling of belonging neither in the birth country or the emigration country. Obviously a common experience and fascinating to see so many people find the solace in books
Before the internet, books were the ones you turned to or found answers in. I guess that’s another reason we hold books in such high esteem, a kind of guardian angels!
What a surprise to see a personal connection to a non-fiction work -- a textbook no less! Loved it.
@Nolan -- my partner and I are seriously considering relocating our family from US to NL. Our thought process has really been improved from talking to adult friends who were third-culture kids. Do you have any reading recommendations for people like me? For parents creating third-culture kids?
Hi Shelby! Erin Meyer's The Culture Map is useful, but it has some flaws, which I write about in my article "The Quick Culture Guide for Global Business." The book focuses on business, but some concepts can apply to raising kids. I also spend a lot of time discussing raising third-culture or 1.5 generations kids in my podcast episode "Identity, psychedelics, genetic essentialism, and sleep culture with Dr. Benjamin Cheung." Dr. Cheung is an expert in the field, and I'd be happy to chat with him if you have any particular questions.
Also, I speak Dutch fluently, and I'm happy to chat more in the future. In the meantime, here are some links to what I mentioned.
Dean Foster's Global Cultures on Substack has a wealth of information, too.
Did you enjoy the book? There are a few flaws to keep in mind when applying the information. Much of Meyer's information is based on outdated research by Geert Hofstede and Edward Hall, anecdotes, and surveys (subject to the reference-group effect and deprivation effects), generalizes (doesn't consider how much cultures and beliefs within a country vary due to socioeconomic status, gender, and has other methodological problems.) That being said, it's a great book and I learned a lot from it.
I see it much like you do, an interesting book with flaws.
I just love cultures, the differences between them and the process of discovering and understanding them. I love to listen to the music of different languages, different accents and dialects within them.
I love for example, the South African dialect of English, especially listening to women speak it. I just find it sexy. I am still thinking to go to Scotland for a few months, just to pick up the dialect. I don't particularly like joual (Canadian French) but I like the fact that I picked it up in a few months when I lived there.
You just gave me the idea of writing a post about it :) If/when I do I'll be sure to tag you in it.
I'm also Belgian, but I live in Georgia together with my Azerbaijani wife, and we're on our way to the UK (against all good rationale perhaps). My daughter was born in Georgia but will live most of her childhood in the UK. So this post deeply resonated! I've put Cultural Psychology on my to-read list.
I’m happy to hear the post resonated, Thomas! I hope to see you in the bornwithoutborders.substack.com community. Curious, how old were you when you left Belgium? What brought you to Georgia?
I've been living abroad, first for my studies, then for work, since I was about 21 (a decade ago). I moved to Georgia so my then-gf-now-wife could live together without worrying about visa.
What a great choice for a book that influenced... I love the variety coming out of this Substack. I guess most of us are composed of mixed race and ethnicities. It's something to celebrate. I took a DNA test to check back further into my past - that proved to be quite interesting and explained why I have a love for Spain when we have no living family history or connections there at all. Thanks, Nolan, for a really interesting post.
Hi Nolan. I live in the UK but had a house in Valencia for twenty years. I'm beginning to appreciate our wetter cooler temperatures here now though. Climate change has made areas on the Mediterranean too hot for me in the summer. But I still travel to all parts of Spain as often as I can as I adore it.
"My peers showed me that knowledge about other countries, speaking different languages, and offering multiple perspectives was for losers...angry at people's ignorance."
This resonates. I recall early in grade school feeling the same sting and pressure to not be too enthusiastic about learning. Gradually I stopped raising my hand even if I knew the answer to the teacher's question. It reminds me of what Carl Sagan once commented, that we appear to have a "celebration of ignorance" in our culture for some reason which seems to unfortunately enter the psyche of children way too early on in their development. Nevertheless, it never stopped me from pursuing anthropology and also kindling a passion for travel. Happy to have discovered this. Thank you! Cheers!
Hey Justin! Thanks for taking the time to connect. I'm glad my writing resonated, but, of course, I’m not “glad” you went through the same shit. Fortunately, we’ve got a community here for people who don't share the “culture of ignorance.” Let’s keep in touch!
"I’ll be forever foreign no matter where I go. That’s why I started Born Without Borders, to share: stories and advice for nomads, immigrants, refugees, third culture kids, and anyone else that feels inescapably foreign. I even got to interview Dr. Steven J. Heine, the author of Cultural Psychology, on my podcast several years after graduating.
Steve’s work wasn’t just about the information, but about stories. After all, stories are the veins and arteries that run through a culture. And that’s what I want to be a part of — a balance of stories. Stories that don’t push one ideology over another. Stories that show we’re a diverse species of primates just trying to figure ourselves out."
Like Stephen Bradford Long, I was raised by evangelicals in a bizarre and ever-changing series of cultures (especially the Amish/Mennonite cultures that promulgated my childhood experiences in the first place). Any faith my adoptive parents tried to ingrain fell away as soon as it became clear that all divine claims lacked any data or evidence. It did not take long to realize that the thousands of different varieties of gods were all invented.
Realizing that adults are as likely to lie to kids as kids are likely to lie to each other and adults pushed me to evolve into someone who does not tolerate magical thinking or dishonesty (including my own. Thanks for being a fellow wanderer, seeker, and critical thinker. Our species needs more of that our it will consume the planet that hosts us, along with all of us.
Thank you for sharing this! It's interesting how travel and exploring different cultures strengthens atheism for some but causes people to "find god" for others. Something I've noticed (purely anecdotal) is that many from fanatically religious upbringings change drastically and leave their faith after exploring new cultures.
Thank you, Nolan, for giving a name to the feeling that I've carried all my life -- "inescapably foreign." Born in China, I grew up in British colonial Hong Kong. Since I turned 18, moved back and forth quite a bit between the U.S., Sweden and Hong Kong. No matter where I am, I feel "foreign" and rootless. Do I qualify as a third-culture kid? I'll definitely check out this book.
I'm glad this piece resonated with you. I've learned that many people who moved around throughout adulthood have very similar outcomes and experiences as third-culture kids. I'm not sure how much the definition will expand, but there are many of us who qualify as "inescapably foreign." And what I love about all of us who feel this way is that we have something deeply in common yet come from many diverse backgrounds, opinions, ideas, and experiences.
Thank you for your reply to my comment. I appreciate that you dedicate your writing to this subject. It helps those of us who are "inescapably foreign" feel less alone.
I was raised by Christian missionaries in an absolutely bizarre mix of global multiculturalism and Christian fundamentalism, and I've spent nearly my entire adult life coming to terms with the fact that I'm culturally homeless. I very rarely meet people who can relate to my upbringing, and this article really articulates the alienation and joy that comes from being a third culture kid. Thanks so much for sharing.
This comment means a lot to me, Stephen. Thank you. One of the reasons I started Born Without Borders is to create a community for those of us who share these feelings. I find it incredible how people who have such different upbringings (like you and I) have much in common by sharing the third-culture kid experience. I look forward to reading your work and keeping in touch.
Thanks so much for responding! It’s good to find these unexpected resonances across divides. I will likewise enjoy your writing.
Have you reached the point where you feel you belong somewhere now? Despite the feeling of cultural homelessness?
I’ve made my home as a cultural outsider. I’m at home in not being at home. I think I will always be weird due to a combination of temperament and upbringing, and I think I’ve just accepted that.
Rather than weird consider yourself enigmatic or mysterious. In other words: cool!
(I’m not cool at all so I’m qualified to say this)
Hard disagree. You are very cool.
You have no idea how many layers this can have. I am a Hungarian immigrant in Canada, but what does that mean? My Slovene maternal grandfather learned Hungarian from my half Slovak grandmother. My German great-great grandfather came to Hungary for work. His name was Höhn. It was my grandfather who changed it to Hun (which sounds more HUNgarian). Höhn is German for hen.
So here I am, the German-Slovene-Slovak-Hungarian chicken pretending to be the into-your-face tough Hun in the land of the polite and reserved Canadians.
....but I could never move back. I would be way too Canadian for Hungary.
This is wonderful. I'm a second (third?!? By some definitions) gen immigrant in Britain and was never quite British enough. I just got citizenship and a passport to the OG country but I've never lived there nor do I speak the language. So much of what I do comes from a sense of rootlessness and placelessness. It's such a fascinating grey area.
Thank you, Sarah! I understand that feeling completely and hope my work at Born Without Borders helps to create a community for those of us who struggle with rootlessness and placelessness. You might enjoy this talk with Dr. Benjamin Cheung https://bornwithoutborders.substack.com/p/identity-psychedelics-genetic-essentialism#details
This Substack REALLY spoke to me on this subject (but through a different lens) https://open.substack.com/pub/thewhitepages/p/out-of-the-corner?r=9ged5&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post
I really enjoyed reading this post! It really hit close to home for me because I’ve experienced a similar type of belonging uncertainty, but as a result of moving countries and then moving back home. It left me with a don’t-fit-in-either-place feeling.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you, Priya! That feeling was one of the driving forces behind my Born Without Borders project. I'm trying to create a community for those who feel "inescapably foreign" through stories and articles. Also, I just subscribed to Ten Thousand Journeys. I'm looking forward to reading more!
We must’ve passed each other on the way. I was reading your posts and just subscribed!
Interesting that you say this Priya, there’s actually a few BTMU guest posts in the pipeline that explore this feeling of belonging neither in the birth country or the emigration country. Obviously a common experience and fascinating to see so many people find the solace in books
Before the internet, books were the ones you turned to or found answers in. I guess that’s another reason we hold books in such high esteem, a kind of guardian angels!
I think there is something so deeply intimate about a book. It’s the closest thing we have to seeing the thoughts of another human being
What a surprise to see a personal connection to a non-fiction work -- a textbook no less! Loved it.
@Nolan -- my partner and I are seriously considering relocating our family from US to NL. Our thought process has really been improved from talking to adult friends who were third-culture kids. Do you have any reading recommendations for people like me? For parents creating third-culture kids?
Hi Shelby! Erin Meyer's The Culture Map is useful, but it has some flaws, which I write about in my article "The Quick Culture Guide for Global Business." The book focuses on business, but some concepts can apply to raising kids. I also spend a lot of time discussing raising third-culture or 1.5 generations kids in my podcast episode "Identity, psychedelics, genetic essentialism, and sleep culture with Dr. Benjamin Cheung." Dr. Cheung is an expert in the field, and I'd be happy to chat with him if you have any particular questions.
Also, I speak Dutch fluently, and I'm happy to chat more in the future. In the meantime, here are some links to what I mentioned.
Dean Foster's Global Cultures on Substack has a wealth of information, too.
https://bornwithoutborders.substack.com/p/identity-psychedelics-genetic-essentialism#details
https://bornwithoutborders.substack.com/p/the-quick-culture-guide-for-global
https://bornwithoutborders.substack.com/p/how-to-understand-culture-and-weird
https://deanfosterglobal.substack.com/
The Erin Meyer book is something I bought a few copy of to give it as presents to my friends
Did you enjoy the book? There are a few flaws to keep in mind when applying the information. Much of Meyer's information is based on outdated research by Geert Hofstede and Edward Hall, anecdotes, and surveys (subject to the reference-group effect and deprivation effects), generalizes (doesn't consider how much cultures and beliefs within a country vary due to socioeconomic status, gender, and has other methodological problems.) That being said, it's a great book and I learned a lot from it.
I see it much like you do, an interesting book with flaws.
I just love cultures, the differences between them and the process of discovering and understanding them. I love to listen to the music of different languages, different accents and dialects within them.
I love for example, the South African dialect of English, especially listening to women speak it. I just find it sexy. I am still thinking to go to Scotland for a few months, just to pick up the dialect. I don't particularly like joual (Canadian French) but I like the fact that I picked it up in a few months when I lived there.
You just gave me the idea of writing a post about it :) If/when I do I'll be sure to tag you in it.
I'm looking forward to it!
Thanks for the generous reply! Will definitely make use of all the suggestions. Bedankt!
I'm also Belgian, but I live in Georgia together with my Azerbaijani wife, and we're on our way to the UK (against all good rationale perhaps). My daughter was born in Georgia but will live most of her childhood in the UK. So this post deeply resonated! I've put Cultural Psychology on my to-read list.
I’m happy to hear the post resonated, Thomas! I hope to see you in the bornwithoutborders.substack.com community. Curious, how old were you when you left Belgium? What brought you to Georgia?
I've been living abroad, first for my studies, then for work, since I was about 21 (a decade ago). I moved to Georgia so my then-gf-now-wife could live together without worrying about visa.
When and where are you moving, Thomas? I’m English but am hoping to visit Georgia some point in the next year or two.
We're hope to move early next year. Currently we're in Tbilisi. Georgia is a wonderful country! Incredible mountains.
Oh, and moving to London.
Well London is an amazing city, hope the move is everything you’re looking for
What a great choice for a book that influenced... I love the variety coming out of this Substack. I guess most of us are composed of mixed race and ethnicities. It's something to celebrate. I took a DNA test to check back further into my past - that proved to be quite interesting and explained why I have a love for Spain when we have no living family history or connections there at all. Thanks, Nolan, for a really interesting post.
Thank you, Yasmin! Do you live in Spain, currently? I'm in Castellon.
Hi Nolan. I live in the UK but had a house in Valencia for twenty years. I'm beginning to appreciate our wetter cooler temperatures here now though. Climate change has made areas on the Mediterranean too hot for me in the summer. But I still travel to all parts of Spain as often as I can as I adore it.
i definitely have to put my hands on that book!
"My peers showed me that knowledge about other countries, speaking different languages, and offering multiple perspectives was for losers...angry at people's ignorance."
This resonates. I recall early in grade school feeling the same sting and pressure to not be too enthusiastic about learning. Gradually I stopped raising my hand even if I knew the answer to the teacher's question. It reminds me of what Carl Sagan once commented, that we appear to have a "celebration of ignorance" in our culture for some reason which seems to unfortunately enter the psyche of children way too early on in their development. Nevertheless, it never stopped me from pursuing anthropology and also kindling a passion for travel. Happy to have discovered this. Thank you! Cheers!
Hey Justin! Thanks for taking the time to connect. I'm glad my writing resonated, but, of course, I’m not “glad” you went through the same shit. Fortunately, we’ve got a community here for people who don't share the “culture of ignorance.” Let’s keep in touch!
"I’ll be forever foreign no matter where I go. That’s why I started Born Without Borders, to share: stories and advice for nomads, immigrants, refugees, third culture kids, and anyone else that feels inescapably foreign. I even got to interview Dr. Steven J. Heine, the author of Cultural Psychology, on my podcast several years after graduating.
Steve’s work wasn’t just about the information, but about stories. After all, stories are the veins and arteries that run through a culture. And that’s what I want to be a part of — a balance of stories. Stories that don’t push one ideology over another. Stories that show we’re a diverse species of primates just trying to figure ourselves out."
Like Stephen Bradford Long, I was raised by evangelicals in a bizarre and ever-changing series of cultures (especially the Amish/Mennonite cultures that promulgated my childhood experiences in the first place). Any faith my adoptive parents tried to ingrain fell away as soon as it became clear that all divine claims lacked any data or evidence. It did not take long to realize that the thousands of different varieties of gods were all invented.
Realizing that adults are as likely to lie to kids as kids are likely to lie to each other and adults pushed me to evolve into someone who does not tolerate magical thinking or dishonesty (including my own. Thanks for being a fellow wanderer, seeker, and critical thinker. Our species needs more of that our it will consume the planet that hosts us, along with all of us.
Thank you for sharing this! It's interesting how travel and exploring different cultures strengthens atheism for some but causes people to "find god" for others. Something I've noticed (purely anecdotal) is that many from fanatically religious upbringings change drastically and leave their faith after exploring new cultures.
Thank you, Nolan, for giving a name to the feeling that I've carried all my life -- "inescapably foreign." Born in China, I grew up in British colonial Hong Kong. Since I turned 18, moved back and forth quite a bit between the U.S., Sweden and Hong Kong. No matter where I am, I feel "foreign" and rootless. Do I qualify as a third-culture kid? I'll definitely check out this book.
I'm glad this piece resonated with you. I've learned that many people who moved around throughout adulthood have very similar outcomes and experiences as third-culture kids. I'm not sure how much the definition will expand, but there are many of us who qualify as "inescapably foreign." And what I love about all of us who feel this way is that we have something deeply in common yet come from many diverse backgrounds, opinions, ideas, and experiences.
Thank you for your reply to my comment. I appreciate that you dedicate your writing to this subject. It helps those of us who are "inescapably foreign" feel less alone.